Taking Stock: A Decade In Review

A dear friend of mine celebrates her sober anniversary today, and in this blog post, takes a look at what she’s accomplished in the last ten years. I don’t have a “sober anniversary” but I liked the idea about taking stock of the last decade, celebrating what I’ve accomplished, how I’ve grown, and even what I’ve endured and come through.

So, what I’ve done in the last ten years:

• Received my masters degree in Clinical Psychology, specializing in Prenatal and Perinatal Psych
• Moved six times
• Welcomed my Newfoundland, Morgan, into my life
• Grieved the death of my nephew
• Got married and divorced a second time
• Started a private practice, twice
• Got my daughter through several schools/modes of learning and into a high school that she is happy and thriving in
• Discovered yoga for myself, and have taken up running
• Lost nearly 40 pounds (after gaining 25)
• Got two tattoos and chose to purple streak my hair
• Helped my mother transition from independence to death with love and grace
• Taken on homeownership
• Bought 21+ acres of land
• Made new friends that I’d be lost without

And like my friend said, I’m sure there’s more. But for right now, I’m good.

Good Vibrations

I have had a lot of really difficult things happen in the last ten years.  A lot of stress and emotional challenges that have knocked me off my feet somewhat. And in the process of healing, I notice that what I can tolerate in my life matches my internal state of being. My energy finds resonance with other energy that “matches” it. This can be described at Harmonic Resonance:

Everything living and non-living is in a state of vibrational harmonic resonance. The universe was created through frequency patterns and it continues to expand. What we call matter is now understood to be energy that is organized by waveforms and frequencies. Electrons are always moving and vibrating.

All matter generates electrical and electromagnetic energy fields at a precise frequency. When the frequencies between two or more sources align, or match up, we say they are in a state of vibrational or harmonic resonance.

In my graduate program one of the things I learned was that our bodies emit energetic vibrations, or electromagnetic fields, that resonate or not, with the other EM fields we come into contact with. Like music, the rhythms and vibrations are either harmonic or discordant, and our systems react to those interactions. And we tend to entrain with those we are around frequently.

So is there  a “better” or “worse” frequency to be at? Yes and no. Everyone is an individual with their own signature tempo and rhythm. That isn’t bad or good…it just is. Sometimes people “rub us the wrong way” or you might say, “I am cut from a different cloth.” We naturally gravitate towards those that we find “harmony” with, and away from those that don’t.

However, the frequency does seem to correspond with our physical health, and in that, one may find a  “healthier” or “less healthy” vibration.

In this article, the work of Dr. Gary Young is referenced, finding that measurements can be made regarding the vibrational level we operate from. He found that the higher the vibrational frequency, the healthier the body. And the lower the vibration is the more common illness and disease is:

He measured the frequency of the cells in the bodies of patients at his medical practice and correlated the measurements with whatever ailments they had. From this he was able to determine that the normal healthy range of the human body is 62-68 Hertz. At this level and above, nobody had any ailments at all.

Everyone who had a common cold had a cellular frequency of 58Hz or less; for flu it was 57 Hz or less; candida symptoms began to appear at 55 Hz, for Epstein Barr virus it was 52 Hz.

Everyone he measured who had some form of cancer had a cellular frequency of 42 Hz or less. Clearly, high frequency cells correspond with better health and ideally everyone should strive for a frequency of at least 62 Hz.

We can raise or lower our vibrational frequencies by paying attention to what we eat, and the activities we engage in. Foods carry a vibrational frequency, as does nature, TV, movement, emotion, etc, so its true, literally, “you are what you eat” as well as “what you do, how you feel” and so on.   In this article about Harmonic Resonance, the author uses random numbers on a scale to illustrate:

Let’s say that a person is vibrating at an overall frequency of 200, the ideal frequency for a healthy individual. He starts eating lots of junk food that vibrates at 50. This lowers his overall vibration and causing his energy field to become imbalanced and more vulnerable to negative emotions or illness.

This also happens to people who hold onto negative emotional states. It’s a different form of lower energy, but the result is the same.

This also relates to the people we interact with, and why when someone begins meditating, or eating better, or engages in a form of healing or therapy, suddenly they find their friendships falling away as they attract new people into their lives. It is not uncommon that marriages often dissolve when only one spouse engages in deep personal growth, or a dramatic change in lifestyle/health for the better. What is happening is that his or her vibration is increasing and the interaction with people that used to “match”  or find resonance, now no longer do. This may result in emotional stress for one or both parties involved, and possible illness as the  the higher vibrational frequency may be pulled into a lower range.  Of course, the opposite can also happen, where the party with the lower vibrational frequency can increase the level by improving emotional/physical health to find resonance again.

How does this relate to me, now?

I was thinking of this because I find that as I heal, and as I choose healthier foods and “come back to myself” after a series of pitfalls that drug my vibrational frequency down, I have much less tolerance for different energies that I interact with. I find it stressful to be around certain types of energy, and I become irritable and I realize my system is in a state of dissonance. As I grow, my vibrational frequency elevates, and I naturally seek out those I find resonance with, and need to minimize my interactions with those who carry a lower frequency. I am no fun to be around when I am surrounded by energy that doesn’t “feel good” to me.

I’m up for some “Healthy” Vibrations!

Yeah.

The New Happy (how introspection saved me)

I’m happy again.

In a recent conversation with someone that knows most of where I have been and what I’ve been struggling with over the last decade, I said, “I feel like me again, I feel like I have come back to myself.” I was thinking about how I was composting again, despite the less-than-common trend toward living green in this town, how I was again putting my heart into what I *really* want to do for work, instead of skirting around it on tippy-toes, and how I’ve recently let go of a lot of extra weight from my body.

As soon as I said “come back to myself” to my friend, I realized its not really true. Going back to myself would be just as devastating…the last time I was happy I was a stay at home mom with a toddler, and a wonderful husband, no degree or real goals for a professional career, and I was looking at more kids and many years of staying home with them. All of that could have been happy too, of course, until I started feeling dissatisfied in my marriage and All That  struggle began. So my Before isn’t really what I’m happy about in my Now.

But even if the external circumstances make the phrase “back to myself” untrue, what is true is that I am feeling like myself again. The happiness I felt Then is the same as the Happy I feel now, but now I have a career, a teenage daughter, fantastic memories, and a stronger character because I know what I have gone through and emerged from.

Which led me to the question, “Does everyone have Life happen to them the way I have? Or is what I’ve been through rare?”

His answer? “No. Not everyone has the capacity for introspection the way you do.”

We discussed how he thought maybe my level of awareness and ability for introspection made me both unhappy, and what helped me through it. I am not so sure. I think the events that came at me – and that I chose to create – came one after the other and were very stressful. I am not sure anyone could be ignorantly happy through all that. However, my knowing myself and expecting More could have contributed to my unhappiness, for sure. To my dissatisfaction.  I could have stayed with contentment in a non-physical relationship where I didn’t feel Met. Or I could have stayed very very angry in an emotionally abusive one, and settled for “what I chose”…but either of those options wouldn’t have helped when my nephew died, and when my mother needed me to come be with her….and the incredible beauty and stress that went hand in hand as I cared for and midwifed my mother into the arms of my dad waiting for her in the Spirit world. (If there is a heaven, I’m sure she’s in it if she is in his arms.)

So I could list off All That Happened to me in this last decade, and believe me it is quite a list. The top five life stressors happened in a span of three months in 2007, and here is a picture of me, right at the peak of feeling as far from myself as I have ever gotten.

You may notice my eyes are squinty, I am desperately trying to smile but I look like I am going to burst into tears at any moment. I look shaken, unstable, and bewildered. All of which I was. I was hurting, very very deeply, and felt I had zero ground to stand on.

A technique I learned in school and in a few workshops is to cover half of someone’s face in a photo, and then compare it to the other half. Often one half of the face looks scared, and the other shows the underlying anger that is unexpressed. I don’t even see that in this photo…when I cover half of my face here, and then the other half, what I see is Lost. A person who doesn’t even have the gumption anymore to be Angry. I just Wasn’t In There. Looking at this photo right now, I feel a deep compassion for that woman. She was carrying so much, and had to muster herself to keep going, and never really felt the luxury of stopping to take care of herself.

Over the next few years however, with the support of some “far flung family” as one of my friends self-proclaimed himself to be, and some Unconditional Love, and a heavy does of Grace…I came to accept. That was the beginning of healing.  Acceptance of what happened. Of what is. Of myself in This Life that I never planned for, or wanted, or expected. Once I accepted that, I began to heal.

Step by step, and bit by bit, I’ve stumbled and skipped and ambled, and sometimes flew my way to Here. The decade of stress that manifested on my body as 25 extra pounds has been released, I am again eating foods that support me instead of foods that were a message to myself that I am unworthy of love, I am treating the planet – through my food and actions – in the way that is aligned with my integrity, I am in my integrity with my words and intentions as much as consciously possible, and I am eager to attract people I can help with the knowledge and skills I have, confident that my passion for what I do will guide me.

I am not ashamed of anything about myself.

So its a New Happy. Not a “back to myself” but an “arriving to myself.” And this happiness, although it is the same feeling of my past happiness, carries with it the depth of a Spiritual Emergency and Recovery, the triumph of a tough climb to the top of a high mountain, and the compassion for my past that dissolves shame and guilt and anger.

 

This is an incredible life.

Namaste.

Rocky Horror and my Spiritual Belief

When anyone asks me what I believe, Spiritually, I explain how I believe we are dreaming the dream of unlimited Love Energy, or God or The Universe. I don’t have just one name for Source…I change them out now and again. But whatever I call it, I believe the reality we live in is an illusion of sorts. That to us, its very real, but there is a Realness that is beyond what we can conceive of.

The metaphor I use is this:

In The Rocky Horror Show, Brad and Janet have an adventure. To Brad and Janet, what they are going through is REAL. To us, the audience, we know its not. We know it is a play, and we can shout to them, and hope they hear us, but they are in their own reality – strange and bizarre that it is. If they choose, they can “break character” and see the audience – get a glimpse of what is Really Real, a whole world beyond their reality – and if they choose further, they can leave the stage and sit with the audience, and observe the play or go to another one.  

The way I see it, we are all in our own play. To us, like Brad and Janet, it all seems real. What happens can be life or death, important and critical, enraging, sorrowful….but really, its not real. Its just a play. We can make choices and act in ways that influence the kind of play it is: Romantic, Tragic, Funny…Horror….sometimes things happen in our plays that are not our doing and in the play we are a victim. We have to play it out, invent our lines and try to see how our play will end. When we die is when the curtain goes down and we can see it was a play.

This philosophy is why its relatively easy for me to be unattached to most things in my life. To what my friends believe, and do, and to what happens in the world – the tragic and the hopeful alike. I do my best to help my play be a positive and growthful one for myself and my world and everyone in it, but ultimately I know it isn’t what’s real, and there is a much much bigger picture that even while onstage, I try to be aware of.

This perspective helps me with politics. It helps me remember love and kindness in the face of frustrating things happening in our government, our country and our world. This awareness helps me accept people even when they don’t agree with me, and even when my friends feel great anger about a situation. It also helps when I have a reaction or a feeling, or I do something I enjoy that might not be deemed “evolved” or “spiritual”…I let myself be me, make my choices without self judgment, and enjoy this play and all its scenes.

Ultimately, I believe the goal is to finish our plays by remembering that we are all acting in them. Not by dying, but by realizing we’re onstage and at anytime we can rejoin the audience. Merge with Love. And it happens bit by bit. We might remember for a moment. And then another day, or another lifetime we might remember for an hour. Or a scene. Or an act. And then finally we Get It, and we walk offstage and into the Mind of the Source of All That Is.

Sometimes I know I am walking through my life very consciously connected to that Source. Sometimes I am more distanced. And to become more and more solidly connected I have to forgive.

I don’t forgive myself just for things I say and do when I am forgetting. Or for what others do. I forgive myself for believing it is all real in the first place. “I forgive myself for believing that is real, and for being attached to an outcome.” “I forgive myself for judging that person and thinking her actions are real.”

No quicker way I’ve found to get out of judgment and into acceptance, confidence and Love.

Peace.

No One Is Going To Tie My Shoes For Me

Enough is a good word.

Although its got that weird English “gh” for “f” thing going on, it is a good word. Easy to say, solid but soft. Complete. Enough. Having enough. Being enough. Doing enough. Giving enough. Receiving enough.

It has boundaries and expansiveness at the same time.

Now, if I could pattern my life around all I feel about this word, I would probably feel a lot safer. But all my “NOT Enough” messages rise up to get looked at every time I feel any kind of lack. Lack, by the way, is the opposite of Enough and it is severe, short, harsh sounding and incomplete. Lacking. Isn’t that interesting?

Lately I’ve been experiencing lack.

Lack shows up in my checking account summary. It shows up when I want to pay a bill and can only pay part of it. It shows up when I have to puzzle out when to pay what in the monthly timeline so I don’t get caught with nothing for food on any given week. It shows up when I have to tell my daughter “no” to something I used to be able to buy for her without thinking.

And it isn’t just financial. I have been experiencing Lack in myself. Lack in my ability and desire to market myself as a doula. Lack in my ability to do and manifest my heart’s desires. Lack of confidence.

It isn’t all bad, however. There is a benefit for Lack showing up in my life. It is a motivator for sure, if I don’t get paralyzed by fear. Usually, if I get the tears of fear out, and have the opportunity to talk about what scares me, and get reassurance that I’m normal, that being scared of failing is not a reason not to move forward into the unknown, that I’m lovable and worthy even if I don’t reach what I think my goals are, then I can problem solve.

So last night when I received a text alert from my bank that my account was dangerously short on funds and I remembered about the bank draft that I forgot about, and shifted some funds around and was left with wondering if this screws up the precarious balance of when to pay what for the next month, I freaked out a little. I had a bad dream that involved a crowd (of known and unknown people) by the door and everyone cheerful but unable to move,  an unknown teenage boy that climbed a telephone pole to retrieve something and fell resulting in a severed appendage that I quickly knew what to do with (tourniquet, put the appendage on ice), and I woke up needing to talk. Housemate was handy.

He listen while I expressed my fears, cried a little, got a little pissed at myself, and then I listened to his insights, and got some ideas, and reassured myself that all will be okay.

So I screwed up forgetting about this payment coming out of my account. Its not the end of the world. Part of what I talked about was why I’ve not been inclined to continue investing so much energy into the doula practice. What I came to was that the reason I’m building a doula practice is because I have that certification up to date, its a needed service, and it would be chunks of cash without a lot of time expended daily.

Did you notice, like I did, that “Its my passion an heart’s desire to attend births as a doula” wasn’t in that list? Yeah. I think that’s important. Because I really don’t like being on-call. Because although I love attending births, it isn’t my “be-all end-all.” It is a stop-gap. It is something to do until I can be a counselor/therapist/healer again. And all that’s stopping me from putting energy into that is the $250 it will take to get my WA state certification for counseling up to date. And confidence. And motivation. And experience.

I got some ideas on how to get the experience, and some ideas to make some extra cash while I pay off some debts and save the money for my certification fees. I’m still scared. It is a fear of mine that I am the Type Of Person That Starts Things And Then Gives Up When It Gets Hard. Or the person that Doesn’t Try Because She Might Fail. Its not the first time I’ve done either. Quit before I fail. Tell myself I am happy and satisfied as is. Not worry because it will all work out.

It is, however, the first time in my life that I don’t have back up. No parents to bail me out, no husband to rely on…the buck stops with me. I have an issue with my housemate’s son when he asks for someone to tie his shoes for him when he knows how to do it. He whines and finds reasons why he can’t and I lose my patience. So when I was standing in the kitchen expressing my fears, and my housemate said, “Let me put it this way. No one is going to tie your shoes for you,” it meant something.

I am probably learning things now that I should have been learning 20 years ago. But so what. I learned a lot of other things then that many people my age haven’t even come close to learning. Its my life. My path. My growth. And I am enough.

Sweeping the Path

I am on a path.

My life’s path. I have goals and places I want to get to. I have an idea of how I want to experience my journey. What gifts I want to receive and what I want to offer.

Of course, all journeys come with the challenges of the unexpected. But those challenges and celebrations are simply part of the character of each particular path.

I’ve been off of Facebook for more than a week. Honestly, I don’t know off the top of my head when I deactivated my account, it feels like much more than a week. Time slows when its not time stamped by hundreds of status updates and comment notifications. I have taken my dog for longer and more frequent walks, I have spoken on the phone to friends I don’t usually actually TALK to, and had real chats online with people I normally only interact with through status updates. I have relaxed. Slowed down.

There is more to examine than my online activity however. In this article about editing your life the author provides some guidelines for this kind of examination, to review your commitments and edit out those that are not in alignment with your priorities and what’s important to you.

I call it “Sweeping the path.” On my path of life, there may be leaves blown on, rocks or sticks, or potholes that make the journey slower (because of needing to go around or deal with the obstacles) and clearing the path of debris helps to clear the way, helps to see next steps and avoid stumbles.

I won’t write down here my list of commitments that I  currently keep, as the author of that blog post suggests. I haven’t even done that yet, actually. I am very resistant to making commitments so I suspect there won’t be many to edit out. I’ll let you know.  But I can share some ways that I am making further changes that will be more in line with what’s important to me.

1. I am starting a clease/semi fast/diet program to lose the weight I’ve gained in the last decade, detox my system, interrupt my habits and patterns of unhealthy eating I’ve developed, and reset my metabolism. My intention is to move past the cravings and eating patterns I’ve developed in the last ten years (specifically the last five) and be able to eat the way I know how to: Whole organic foods and no dairy or gluten. It is not easy to eat the way that feels best to me. Simply, and well and with conscience. Where I live it is not easy to get the whole, organic foods. Many of the friends I surround myself with do not eat the way I like to, so I have to brace myself for “being different” and not participating in the same way at barbeques and parties. I have to be willing to say no to offers of dinner being made for me when they are made with foods I choose not to eat. This will not be easy. I am not expecting to be 100% eating clean this way – that would be a set up for failure – but I do want to make it a priority. To do that, I feel it necessary to have a somewhat intense period of interrupting what I have taught myself to do. What has become “normal.”  And if I lose the weight I gained during this decade of stress, great. If I keep it off with the support of my new/old healthy eating patterns and choices, even better. But I need to declutter my internal self now. Clean my body. Declutter my menu. It’s time.

2. I am beginning to learn to garden. I am doing this in my head so far. The season is ready for turning over the dirt and preparing for seeds and starts, but my hand is not able to grip, pinch or put weight on. So I will plan. Learning, every so slowly, to grow my own food. Having time to work the garden. Making that time a priority in my day.

3. I want to spend more time traveling by foot or bicycle. To conserve fuel, to use my own power to get places, and to spend more time with my dog, Morgan.

One foot in front of the other, and sweeping the path I am walking.

Yeah.

 

Sifting Through It All

A few days before deactivating my facebook account a friend shared a link on his wall about ways to simplify your life.

Its a long list (although the author does have a short version) and I had been thinking about it for a few days.

In the long list given, the first thing the author suggests is determining the 4 or 5 most important things:

Make a list of your top 4-5 important things. What’s most important to you? What do you value most? What 4-5 things do you most want to do in your life? Simplifying starts with these priorities, as you are trying to make room in your life so you have more time for these things.

Sounds good.

Except deciding what are the 4 or 5 most important things to me is not easy.

Off the top of my head my most important things are:

My daughter.  But wait…is my daughter a THING? Obviously she’s the most important person in my life…but I’m not sure if people count in this list. Being available for her, and guiding her well is one of the most important things, so perhaps having time and money to be able to do that?  And what about my family? And my best friends? I want to nurture those relationships too. Connection, real, honest, connection between hearts. Ok…I’ll go with that:

1. Deep Connection with those I love, and who love me, including nurturing, support, giving/receiving, and play.

My pets. Again, not sure if another being counts as a thing, but I do own my dog and my cat and my guinea pig, and caring for them and receiving their appreciation and love is one of my most important things. So:

2. Caring for and enjoying Morgan, Marshall and Xander.

3. Being connected with the natural world. Easy. Although I haven’t done it as a top priority much in the last years. I haven’t gone camping in several years, and only one or two short day hikes. I need to make it a priority to be in the woods, at the ocean, up at Lupine Creek, on the water paddling, even riding the bicycle through the park. Figuring out when to do the bigger trips and being able to afford those will be a priority, and trying to do the smaller, more accessible activities daily and seasonally. I wonder if I’ll find more time now that I’m not getting sucked dry by Facebook?

4. Healthy, natural living. It has been a passion and interest of mine to research and engage in healthy food options,  natural options for home and healing and medical care. I feel natural living is better for me, and better for the planet. My conscience feels cleaner when I choose options that leave a smaller footprint on the planet. And for my food choices my motto is “if you mess with nature, nature’s gonna mess with you.” I recently stopped eating meat, and want to stop with dairy as well but that is proving harder to do without more planning and cooking. Again, now without facebook, I wonder if I will have more time to eat the way I want to. Another goal is to exercise more often, either outside or at the gym.

5. My career as a healer. How I give to the world is very important to me. How I serve, how I help. I have been neglecting the gifts I can offer: Energy healing, counseling/therapy, doula services. Although I am getting the doula practice going again, I am aware that Energy Psychology, personal growth and healing are ways I very much want and need to offer. My goals are to complete the Energy Psych certification course, get re-certified as a counselor in Washington, and begin seeing clients again. This may take several months or years to complete and get going, but becoming aware of its importance will help.

There. Those are my five things. I am curious to know if they will change. I noticed just now that I did not put any thing about my Spiritual life in that list. I just scrolled up and re-read it and realized that my Spiritual life is very connected to my relationship with healthy living, the natural world, and myself as a healer. I wonder if Spiritual Living is not the umbrella priority that either will be met with the other things being met, or vice versa? I guess I will add it:

6. Nurture my Spiritual Life. This includes meditation regularly, writing, being aware of my hearts’ desires and speaking my truth, acting in tolerance and acceptance and non-judgment, and living in compassion.

This is exciting. I will keep you posted on how its going!

Deactivated

Not many people will read this.

Most of my readers click to my posts through my link on Facebook, and then comment there. But there will be no link this time because I have deactivated my Facebook account.

There are a few reasons for this.

Over the last month or so I’ve been feeling burdened by all the notifications, all the “friends” I’ve been keeping up with, all the “conversations” I’ve been participating in. But my support network is on FB, my best friends, and for many of my friends its my only source of communication with them. I don’t have most of their email addresses or phone numbers. So I felt trapped into my online Facebook life.

When the Japan earthquake hit, followed by the tsunami, volcanoes, more earthquakes and then the nuclear reactors failing, I started getting emotionally overwhelmed. It was the last straw in the global onslaught of emotional events: Egypt, Libya, Wisconsin…now Japan. Add to that some personal challenges with my daughter that developed all in the same week. Which happened to be the same week of what would have been my mom’s 72nd birthday, and the fourth anniversary of my nephew’s death, and my birthday.

March used to be my favorite month. My whole family’s birthdays were in March: Dad was the 1st, Mom on the 12th, me on the 14th and my older sister on the 27th. When her twins were born, we added March 31st to the celebrations. In Seattle, spring was well underway in March and daffodils and the flowering currant bush outside my window was in full bloom. Birds were singing.

Now, Mom’s and Dad’s birthdays only illuminate their absence. My nephew died the day before my birthday, and two weeks shy of his own. My sister and I grieve all month now. And where I live now, Spring is still a month or more out and its dead and dreary in the dregs of winter here.

It was all just too much, and the constant chatter of of Facebook got annoying. During this awareness the minister at my fellowship preached a sermon about Facebook. She went on a Facebook fast for the month of January and spoke about what that was like for her, and the lessons she gleaned from it.

I was intrigued, and knew in my heart that I was going to do it too.

The following week I tried to just stop going to Facebook. I announced in two separate posts several days apart that I was going to be leaving…the first attempt to leave lasted most of a day. The second only a few hours. The Book of Face pulled me back each time, although I made a conscious effort to limit comments on other people’s status updates, and not post much myself. This did help, for I wasn’t getting so many notifications to follow up on. But it was becoming clear that in order for this to happen, I was going to have to deactivate my account so I couldn’t go and check in there.

Last night my ex called to let me know a dear friend of ours had passed away. The community he lives in – and that I used to live in – was gathered together, in support and memory of our neighbor and friend, and I felt his loss keenly….and very singularly. It is very lonely grieving someone surrounded by others that didn’t know him, knowing there is a community of people supporting each other and reminiscing.

I needed a quiet day to meditate and think about Ed, and all he meant to me.

By the third hour of my day I was already sick of Facebook. I waited until the afternoon when the photos were posted from my good friends’ wedding, and read the note she shared of the transcript of the ceremony, and then I deactivated my account.

I cleaned my room, and bagged up four garbage bags of unwanted/unneeded STUFF. I read from a novel that had been getting dusty on my nightstand. I walked in the pouring rain with my dog for an hour. We were soaking wet, so I curled up with some warm food to watch a movie with my housemate and his son. I wanted to open Facebook at least four times to post about how great it was to feel like I had so much TIME.

As the evening creeps on, I am aware that I feel peaceful. But not without a price. I am irritable, easily triggered, and missing the feeling of being constantly connected.

And I know the heavy grief I am feeling is not just about my friend Ed’s death. It is also about the loss of a habit, and a way of connecting. There is a space in my daily life now, that needs filling. I’m sure I will fill it. I have decluttered more than my room today. I am going through withdrawals. My housemate said he’ll be glad when I’m done with this part – I’m acting like his mom did when she quit smoking. I didn’t even notice, really, but with everything going on, its not surprising that Facebook helped me numb out. And now I’m feeling.

And it is good.

To My Teachers….

With all the unrest in Wisconsin (I won’t even get into it here, about the funding cuts to important services and programs, the bills being pushed through that violate our First Amendment rights, and the way corporations are taking over our food) I have been reading posts about teachers that are being shared on Facebook.

Posts like: Are you sick of what teachers make?

And videos like this one by Taylor Mali:

 

I started thinking about the teachers that have made a difference in my life. A few stood out right at the top of my thinking.

Mr. Louie, my eleventh grade English teacher, well known for being strict, and was thought to be mean. He only had fifteen students sign up for his class from an eleventh grade class of over eight-hundred…and he scared away eight of those after his first-day-lecture. Seven of us still in the class, and my dad – an administrator at my high school – was going to cut the class. I told him at dinner that night, “Dad, please don’t…this might be the only class I learn anything in.” Mr. Louie taught me how to write a thesis paper. I still have some of his handouts that were so valuable all the way through college. He taught, more than any other teacher did, in a way that I could retain the information about developing a thesis question, and providing good research, footnotes, citations, and a bibliography in the correct format. He insisted on perfection.

Mr. Ruben Van Kempen.  Oh, some would say, “Huh? Wasn’t he only the drama teacher?” I would shake my head and say “No, he was not ONLY the drama teacher.”  In V.K.’s classes and in his productions, I learned how to be poised in front of an audience. I learned self-confidence, and teamwork. I learned how to work hard and be Perfect and not settle for less than that. I learned how to tap dance (and I can still do the “I Want To Be Happy” routine.) I found my voice in his class. My singing voice, my speaking voice, my inner voice. I learned to trust my creativity. I learned how to be proud of my classmates, and to share their joy and pride in their accomplishments. I learned how to receive compliments and praise. I learned how to receive feedback and criticism, and how to use information to grow from. Mr. Van Kempen was not “only” the drama teacher. He was a teacher of Life.

But then I thought about other teachers in my entire school career, not just high school.  Some I just loved dearly and enjoyed their classes, but some I am grateful for specific things:

Mr.  Sidney Glass, my middle school algebra teacher. I was behind and instead of moving me to a different class with students a year younger than me, he kept me with my friends and taught me individually. He didn’t have to do that, and I am grateful.

Don Helling wasn’t a teacher in the classroom, but he was the coach for the swim class at my middle school. He was my first coach, and the first one to acknowledge my talent in competitive swimming. He begged me to go to the high school where he was head coach of the swim team, and was disappointed when I chose a different school.

In elementary school something tragic happened to me, and the next day I broke my arm. My sixth grade teachers all offered something different that enabled me to pass sixth grade:

Mrs. Simmons let me do my science exams orally due to my broken arm. She mothered me and pampered me and let me know I was loved. Mr. Elmquist brought me a Christmas gift that year, drove out to my house on Christmas Eve late after I was in bed and delivered a hand-made teddy bear his wife made, that I named Rondi. And Mrs. Wicklund kept me in line, and made sure my work was in. She provided the structure I needed and didn’t treat me any differently than the other kids. At the time, I felt she was “mean” but in retrospect, I probably would have failed sixth grade without her efforts. Mr. Jack Cowger was the music teacher at my elementary school. He taught me to sing and enjoy it. Our school choir sang songs from all different cultures and we were good enough that we were asked to sing in posh places for special events and holidays. I got a taste of Tahitian culture, Irish music, Japanese, Guatemalan, Mexican and Native American culture in his class. I learned the value of diversity and honoring of individuals.  We had a drum ensemble, and among other things, he taught us how to use poi balls, and I performed much like this:

 

Of course my most influential teachers were my parents: Duane and Judy Trefethen. All parents are their children’s first teachers, buy mine were teachers for a living as well. We had summers together where we’d go camping for weeks at a time. I was into my teens before I realized that not every family has vacations off all together. My parents worked hard with Mary Lynn and Jeff Finn to create an alternative school in Seattle that my sister and I were able to attend. It is still in operation, and I know several 20-somethings that went to school there as children. My parents taught me not only academics (one year when the teachers were on strike for six weeks, my mom taught us and the neighbor kids at home, and when we started school we were ahead of our class by half a year) but values and manners and joy. And they listened to me. So when I asked my dad not to cut that English class, because it might be the only class I learn anything in, he didn’t.

This post would be too long to go into the ways my daughters teachers have contributed to me as a mother, as well as her education, or my college and postgrad instructors. Or the teachers I’ve had in life that were not academic. But they are there also, with all the other teachers of my school-aged years.

And I want you to know, I thank you, for all you have done, bringing me to where I am now.

You deserve all the riches of the world, for it is what you bring to your students.

The Gift of Not Giving

I had a sick day today.

My ear really hurt. I suffered through the night, and was up early and suffered through the morning while my housemate slept in, and I waited for the natural  health food store to open so I could go get my garlic ear drops.

So anyway, I was feeling sorry for myself. I think I had a low-grade fever which makes me whiny and weepy. I wanted my best friend to wake up and pay attention to me and clean the kitchen for me so I didn’t have to do it on this terrible awful day of pain.

All that said, I got a chance to focus on me, and let others do for me. (Because he did wake up, and he did load the dishwasher, and he made me a cup of tea and scrambled eggs and offered care and concern for me, and I didn’t even have to ask him to!) And the rest of the day was all about me. I do this well when I am sick. Its easy, when I am sick, to let others take care of me. I struggle when I am healthy and others have needs.

For example, Monday night I was feeling really sad…my housemate was too and I wanted a hug but felt he deserved one more than I did, he had a bigger heartache than mine. I refrained from offering him a hug though, because I am practicing not giving too much and I know he likes space when he’s upset. I also knew I needed to get my own needs met elsewhere. So I stayed quiet.

And it was hard.

My heart hurt from holding back.  I actually felt pain. I wasn’t sure I could do this holding back and not giving thing. Maybe I was wrong and I have to just let my heart GIVE. But then I realized something. What was really going on here? It wasn’t so much that I needed to give as much as I needed.

I needed.

It was slowly dawning on me, as I sat on the couch quietly, saying and doing nothing, that I give when I want to get something. That when I feel I cannot ask for what I need or want, instead I give it, hoping that I will get something in return. Wow. So I took this little gem and held it for a while. It became easier to sit and not give of myself. It became more clear that I needed support myself  because this pain wasn’t about not giving…this pain was mine and giving was going to mask it. I needed support for me and I needed to get it with someone other than my best friend in this moment. I was able to, in that moment, tease apart the tangled knots of my pattern of giving and sort them out. This one is mine, that one is yours.

Later, chatting with a friend, I was comparing this episode to past relationships where I’ve given and given and once in a while felt given to, but more often than not, I felt lack. I mentioned a fellow I know who is a massive giver and said, “Too bad I’m not with him. He gives as much as I do. Give give give. Sounds good right now…But I think it would drive me nuts in reality!” We laughed that yeah, sometimes that kind of giving makes us run and hide. Then it hit me…that’s how it may have felt for my past guys! I have smothered them with my generosity!

Smothered!!

And they would create space from me, which is exactly what I didn’t want, so I would give some more and my brain was spinning with this seemingly obvious pattern. Didn’t I learn this 20 years ago in therapy? Didn’t I learn it again 6 years ago in the middle of a toxic relationship?  Well, I am learning it again, it seems.  

The awareness came at a good time. A time when I need to focus on me, and I think not having a relationship this time make the information more useful. I think I am really grokking it this time. And I got through the night with my heart open, feeling how hard it was, and I didn’t close up and I didn’t mask it with giving.

Sometimes NOT giving to someone else is the gift. For both of us.